Revised Question List for Rhinoplasty Doctors

It occurred to me that I always ask the same dull questions to every potential rhinoplasty surgeon, questions that I fished off the internet because my desire to get this done precludes my knowledge about the subject (i.e. I don't know what the heck I am supposed to be concerned about yet). But as my knowledge grows perhaps my questions will become more technical and relevant. Until then I thought of some humorous questions one might ask instead. I would like tO add the disclaimer that this joke was not inspired by any doctor I have met, rather by the numerous fears of those searching for a doctor that I have encountered off and on in forums.

1. How many patients have balled their eyes out in your office? Out of every 100 people that weep in your office how much of this weeping is post op and during the "remove the bandages" & "show me the mirror" visit? Of those patients how many return 6 months later with a fresh crop of tears?

2. As a young child what were your "I want to b xyz when I grow up" aspirations? Was any one of them "God"?

3. How often does something slip your mind? Do you at any time find yourself doing something and wondering how you got there? Driving for example, or performing facial surgery?

4. If I had Alladin's lamp and you could have three wishes what would they be? If none of the wishes could be for wealth or fame would you consider that lamp complete useless garbage?

5. Do you ever wake up at night and think, "Damn... I forgot to..." in reference to a surgery?

6. If I offered you a billion dollars and a magic flying carpet to perform a rhinoplasty surgery blindfolded on an innocent and unaware unconscious random patient...regardless of outcome... would you accept? 

7. When you are invited to go to a friend's clay sculpting studio do you find yourself sculpting noses besides the fact that everyone else is making ponies?

5. Do you ever wish that you could give someone a rhinoplasty for free because you could "do such great things" with that nose and face? But then realize you'd never win any bread that way.

6. Is the most rewarding aspect of your practice the happy patients or the happy bank account?

7. Did you just tell a lie?

8. Are you the type of person who is troubled when a picture hanging on the wall is slightly askew... do you get up to straighten it?

9. Are you an artist yourself? Do you see a good composition? Do you understand balance and proportion? Do you ever fantasize about sculpting Michelangelo's David and doing a better job?

10. Do you have a dog, a cat or a reptile? Did any of your pets ever perish of neglect or depression?

11. Have you ever turned a patient away and said you wouldn't operate? If Rudolph came in for a nose color change would you do it?

12. Has any patient ever said to you, "I wish I had never met you. I curse you and all your future generations!"?


** It is suggested one does not actually ask these questions for fear of being considered questionable oneself.